plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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