I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
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