3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
