Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
