I'm eating all of the evidence.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
