i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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