he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
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