I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
