She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
