I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
