I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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