Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
