Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
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