How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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