Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
