don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
