No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
