Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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