I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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