Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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