i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
