You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
