If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
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