You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
