Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize