I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
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I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
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He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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