This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
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Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
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I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
where are my eyebrows?
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
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