the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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