I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
