well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
