hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Randomize
