I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
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