the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
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At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
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I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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