the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
he had hair everywhere except his balls
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Randomize
