can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I cockslap morals
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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