did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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