I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
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