Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
