And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
