I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
