Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
