dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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