after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
