'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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