I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
