thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
