ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
We have so much sex to catch up on
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
