i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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