I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
