chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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