the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
