the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
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