hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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