Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
