Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
