He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
