Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Randomize