I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
