some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
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On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
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She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
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