also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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